Tuesday, June 4, 2013

So Close, Yet So Far. Crap.

I am pretty opinionated tonight, so please understand that I don't really care about language.  If your special snowflake sensibilities are offended, I apologize, and you may just want to stop reading now.  

Pregnancy blows.

That's right, I said it.  Yes, I am happy that I am pregnant.  Yes, I am happy that the child has stayed in.  Yes, I want her to go full term (which is really 39 weeks, not 37, as so many people try to tell you).  No, I don't like it.  I didn't like it the first time, and I don't like it this time.

Does that make me a terrible person?  Perhaps.  It doesn't take away from the understanding of how painful it is after a loss, or being unable to conceive.  I will forever know the pain of a loss, and I have dear friends who suffer from not being able to conceive.  I feel like a huge bitch for saying (and feeling) that I hate pregnancy and what it entails, but I have to remind myself that I also need to be true to reality.  My feelings regarding pregnancy are 100% valid, whether people understand them or not.  I hope those who read my blog know me well enough that the feelings expressed here are not to minimize the feelings or experiences of others - it is a way to get them out in a healthy way.

That being said - I wish that people (in general) were more mindful that pregnancy fucks with your psyche.  It messes with you physically, mentally, and emotionally.  It can put a strain on your relationships, all while making them stronger.  I don't really care about the body part - my body wasn't particularly sexy prior to, and it sure as hell won't be after.  I don't like, however, that pregnancy and parenting turns me into a ball of anxiety that a tranquilizer has a hard time bringing it down.

I haven't blogged in awhile, so of course I have so many things I want to say.  I feel like I can type for hours - from the idiot things people say to how tired I am of having something happen every two minutes in this pregnancy (99% of them completely unavoidable).  Is that what people really care about?  Probably not.

I have about 7 1/2 weeks left, child is head down and getting ready to go.  I am scared shitless to give birth before 39 weeks.  I have about 4 more weeks of work yet, and that can't come soon enough.  Figuring out work stuff and home stuff (with an active toddler) while trying to nest and prepare for a baby while going to 4-5 doctors appointments a week is getting exhausting (mentally and physically).  Michael has been a rock star in taking care of Naomi, knowing that I am not able to do much of the physical stuff anymore.  I am lucky that he is an attentive and participatory partner in this game called life.

We are aiming for another non-medicated birth at a hospital that provides birthing tubs and a more "granola" approach - it just also happens to be 40 miles away from our house.  Whoops.  It's killer on gas (and time), but my OB rocks and I didn't want to lose him (and I wanted the option for a water birth).  I am still working on mentally getting through the panic attacks that are triggered by things like not being able to move in case a C-Section becomes necessary.

We aren't doing a doula this time around because I am cheap.  I am also not doing an epidural because I am cheap (and the whole panic attack thing if I can't move my legs, but that is another story).  I am still doing Hypnobabies, but I am not on top of it this time around.  Basically, I suck at being pregnant this time.

My house is a horrendous mess - there are kids clothes everywhere in preparation of the nursery, Naomi's toys are scattered because I am trying to sort them into age appropriateness, beds are never made, my bathtub is gross, and I leave my makeup scattered everywhere.  I keep trying to get it to "guest ready" mode, because if anyone came in right now, they would probably turn around and leave.  The carpets are completely inappropriate as well - this weekend is mass cleanup.

I am also not leaving the house this weekend for anything - it's going to be between 109 and 111 all weekend (depending on what weather report you are looking at).  Hell no.  If I don't have to, I'm not going to.  I would rather clean until my legs fall off (which they are about to).

Naomi continues to be a hilarious child - she makes me laugh so much!  She is generally a happy kid (minus the sleeping issues we've had over the last couple of months and the horrible, blood curling tantrums she has).  We're contributing some of it to the mass amounts of change coming our way.  I think we are back in a good groove, though that will likely change when Nadia gets here.

I feel a lot differently mentally this time around versus my pregnancy with Naomi.  I was a huge sassy bitch through the whole thing (as evidenced by this amazing blog).  This time, I have been pretty laid back.  Most comments don't bother me - but lately, I've gotten a lot of "YOU'RE SO HUGE!!".  Unless you and I are super close (like, a family member or BFF), please keep that to yourself.  People also keep touching me, which actually doesn't bother me like I thought it would.  That being said, I've never had a stranger do it, so that's positive.

I hope you enjoyed my complete randomness.  As time gets closer, I will probably blog more.  Hopefully.  Maybe.  Who knows.

Livin' the dream, folks.

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