Monday, December 21, 2009

Havin' a hard time.

I'm having a bit of a hard day today, and needed to vocalize it.

I understand that pregnancy makes women more emotional, and that my own underlying conditions can make things a little worse. I'm good for the most part, so I don't want people to freak out or anything - I'm keeping things in check.

But I find that the blues are sneaking in lately, and I can't say that I enjoy that. When really digging deep to try to figure out what it is, there are some shining possibilities. The job situation isn't awesome, but I have a job - so that's not it. I'm excited that we're having a child - so that's not it. We have a great place to live, Michael has a job again, and we're getting back on our feet financially - so those things aren't it either.

After working through all of these things in my head, I am still feeling blue, depressed, down, what have you, and I think that I finally figured out why the heck I am just out of it. It's the fact that physically, I can't do anything. Walking to a different room can be painful, let alone from the parking garage to my desk, or from my office to a meeting in the Student Union. Stairs are now like vices of terror, and I 100% dread having to go down them.

I guess I haven't really updated the blog on recent issues, so maybe I should do that really quick. I've have back pain and pelvic pressure that has been getting progressively worse over the past 6-7 weeks. It can be difficult to walk at times (my right lower back and leg often get numb and decide to be funny about functioning correctly), I can't get up from a seat or bed without needing help from my husband, and forget about turning over in the middle of the night - it can induce tears.

I've done what I can at this point - I've done pelvic exercises; pregnancy yoga makes me cry; warm baths; a pregnancy belt to help support my back; weekly chiropractic appointments; I'm even working with my boss to work some days from home so I don't have to go up and down stairs, sit in my super uncomfortable chair at work, etc. I saw my doctor last week, and as supportive as he's been, he has said that I may need to stop working in order to rest to get better.

I guess that brings me to the real issue; I'm already having career identity issues for a number of reasons, none of which are within my control. One thing that I have, the one thing I was able to work on, the one thing that I still had some control over, is this coming January. It's four days of walking around campus, setting up tents, moving boxes, and standing and meeting with students on the sidewalks of campus. See the problem? This is a very physical role for me - and here I am, 20-odd days away, and having trouble going down the stairs.

I've lost control of my own body, and I'm having a really hard time with that. I'm used to lifting boxes, and putting in extra hours, and saying "Yeah, I'll take care of that". Instead, I have to depend on a co-worker who just came back from maternity leave and is still getting re-adjusted and transitioned and another co-worker who already has his hands full with another program. Instead, I've had to prep everything for this program as if I will not be able to come to campus - because at this point, if this program was to be held this week, I would not be able to do any of it. I can hardly do half days, let alone 12 hours on a cart, running around campus, and lifting boxes. I hate having to let go of my control.

But my Mom brought up a good point - this is for me AND Naomi, so asking for help isn't a bad thing. It's important to be able to recognize my limits, and I think that I'm doing a pretty good job at that. I'm trying to keep my head up, and looking at the positives in this situation.

And before anyone says it, yes, I am fully aware that I have 3 more months left - thank you. I know that everyone is trying to understand where I am coming from, and being supportive, and I am very, very appreciative of that. However, something that will NOT help me right now is saying "Wow, and you've got 3 months to go?! It's just going to get worse!". I understand that, but thinking of it in that way will not help me. At all - if I'm like this now, and it's going to get worse, then I've got 3 months of emotional and physical turmoil ahead, and I would rather not focus on that. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest.

I'm just wrapped in a cocoon of painful movements and the realization that this is going to be my life for 3 more months. I have a few more options left (i.e. requesting a referral for a physical therapist, etc), but if that stuff doesn't work out...I'm not sure what else I can do.

Then, on top of everything, I get the spurts of "Buck up, Megan, you're fine. Millions of women have been pregnant, why are you having such a hard time with it? You're just being over dramatic and wimpy." I am armed with that mentality, then push it too hard (and by pushing too hard, I mean going shopping at Michael's & Walmart, or attempting to attend rehearsals for a Christmas Concert), just to have the following 3 days be ones that leave me crying and in pain.

I don't understand why I allow others' perceptions, views, and opinions get to me - I know my body, and I should know my limits. On the other hand, I also want to prove I'm not a wimp. It's a vicious cycle.

The good news - I'm going to try to see a physical therapist, and I have a week and a half off before the program in January. My hope is that resting as much as I can between now and then will allow me to be all wonderful by the time I need to be. But my fear is that I'll just smile through the pain and push too hard, then be all jacked up until birth. I just need to be careful.

Sorry for the pity party - I've just tried to have a good attitude throughout (although being honest enough to say that pregnancy sucks)), and my good attitude is all dried up today. Today may be a blue day, but here's hoping tomorrow is another color.

I'm officially in my third trimester - 13 weeks to go.